Thusly The Dude doth abide.

A brilliant adaptation of The Big Lebowski, including couplets to end each section. Can't wait for the zombie version...

THE KNAVE
Good sir, speak plain. I know not these villains, surely would I ne’er traffic with this man of Orient birth who so abused my rug. I have not the facility to present him with the rate of usance and demand money in kind for that which he has spent upon’t; so I entreat you, speak plain.

WALTER
I speak the truth; my words are straight and true.
The man of Orient birth is not the issue.

DONALD
The Orient, Sir Walter?

WALTER
I speak, old friend, of truths in desert land.
The hour is nigh to draw line in the sand.

THE KNAVE
Deserts? I had made it plain that he was Orient-man.

WALTER
Though words in haste be only human nature,
‘Orient-man’ is not preferr’d nomenclature.

THE KNAVE
Give me no further counsel; my griefs cry softer than advertisement.

WALTER
I speak of this other man, Sir Geoffrey of Lebowski. Is not thy name, sir, Geoffrey of Lebowski? To be or not Lebowski, that is the question; I see we still did meet each other’s man. Shall we not make amends? A gentleman of high sentence ought to be of unsequestered location, possessed of resources fit to restore a thousand rugs from vile offence. He’s not well married that lets his wife a borrower be, such that men gravely offended bespoil another man’s rug. Be I wrong?

THE KNAVE
No, but verily—

WALTER
Be I wrong?

THE KNAVE
Yea, but verily—

WALTER
That rug, in faith, tied the room together, did it not?

THE KNAVE
By my heart, a goodly rug.

DONALD
And in most miserable tide did this rogue besmirch it.

WALTER
Prithee, Donald! Thou too eagerly hold’st the mirror up to nature.

THE KNAVE
My mind races; I might endeavour to seek this gentleman Lebowski.

DONALD
His name is Lebowski? Verily, ope thine ear; that is thy name, Knave!

THE KNAVE
On good authority; and his nobleness must oblige. His wife taketh up quarrel and borrows, and they bespoil my rug.

WALTER
Marry, sir, my heartstrings do you tug;
They urinate upon thy damnèd rug.

[Exeunt severally]