If The Shoe-Thrower Were A SF Giant Pitcher

• Had Barry Zito thrown the shoe, it would have floated lightly toward W. Our President could finally have declared victory over something, as he'd have swung and crushed the shoe, launching it over the entire press corps. Still, most Iraqis would have said that Zito was such a nice guy that they appreciated the effort, even if he wasn't worth the big contract. Besides, Zito's still a lefty whose columns take up a vast swath of column-inches.
• Noah Lowry would have hurt himself.
• NL Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum wouldn't have been allowed in. Security would have thought he was one of the reporters' kids.*
• Jonathan Sanchez would have missed badly, high and outside.
• Matt Cain would have been dead-on with the first shoe, but another journalist would have stood up and gotten in the way. Unlucky. If he had time to throw his second shoe, though, it would have hit W square in the smacker.

* Had Lincecum somehow been let in, the first shoe thrown would have bored a hole in W's chest. That shoe, thrown with such extreme velocity, would have instantly cauterized the fatal wound. The Phenom would have used the second shoe to disarm and disable all of the Secret Service agents in the room, allowing him to escape.

Still, the rest of the Press Corps would be unable to follow through after Lincecum's super-human performance. They'd fail to score and would give up the game winning homer to Cheney with a fat pitch down the pipe in the top of the 8th.